Grief, Loss and Complicated Bereavement: Using EMDR for the Moments That Won’t Let Go

Some losses arrive like a wave. Others arrive like a door slammed open. People often expect grief to be “sadness over time,” but many grief experiences are dominated by something else entirely: **a moment**. A moment you can’t stop seeing. A sentence you can’t stop hearing. A scene your body reacts to as if it’s happening again — even when your mind knows the person has already gone. That’s often where EMDR can help, not because grief is an illness, but because trauma can attach itself to grief and freeze it in place. ## When grief feels traumatic You might recognise this if: - your mind replays the hospital corridor, the accident, the last image - you keep hearing the call that changed everything - you avoid places, songs, photos — not because you don’t love them, but because they knock you over - your chest tightens or your stomach drops with the same shock, again and again - guilt keeps looping, even when everyone tells you “you did your best” - you feel numb and unreal, like you’re watching your life from behind glass Sometimes the death was sudden. Sometimes it was expected — but the caregiving, the medical crises, the witnessing of suffering, or the powerlessness were deeply overwhelming. In those cases, the nervous system may treat the loss not as something to grieve, but as something to *survive*. ## What EMDR focuses on in grief work A fear people have is that therapy will try to “make them move on,” as if love is the problem. In grief-focused EMDR, the aim isn’t to erase the relationship or dull the meaning. It’s to work with the pieces that are stuck in emergency mode — often very specific fragments, such as: - the instant you were told - the moment you saw them - the last goodbye (or the absence of a goodbye) - the thought “I abandoned them” / “I failed them” - the image you can’t stop returning to at night Grief is huge. EMDR works best when the target is precise. ## How it can feel as the memory shifts When EMDR is working, people often describe changes that sound surprisingly practical: - the image becomes less sharp, less “in your face” - the body settles sooner after a trigger - the memory starts to feel like *then*, not *now* - guilt softens into a more truthful kind of sadness - the mind stops searching for a way to rewrite reality This isn’t forgetting. It’s the nervous system finally allowing the event to file itself as past. ## Guilt after loss: the grief that bites Grief-related guilt is often the most brutal part, because it feels like devotion — as if self-punishment proves you cared. It can sound like: - “If I’d noticed sooner…” - “I shouldn’t have left that day…” - “I said the wrong thing…” - “I should have protected them…” In EMDR, guilt isn’t argued with. It’s approached as a belief that formed under shock and helplessness. As processing unfolds, the shift is often from: - punishment → compassion - impossible responsibility → human limitation - replaying → remembering You may still wish it went differently. But you stop being sentenced by the wish. ## “I’m scared EMDR will take them away from me.” This is one of the quietest fears in bereavement therapy. If the intrusive images reduce, what happens to the bond? If the pain softens, does that mean you’re leaving them behind? A good therapist won’t rush this. They’ll make room for it. Many people find that when the traumatic fragments settle, **the relationship feels closer**, not farther — because you can think of the person without immediately being thrown back into the worst moment. Often the goal becomes: - to carry them without collapsing - to remember without being ambushed - to grieve without being trapped ## A final note If your grief feels stuck, frightening, or dominated by a few repeating scenes, it doesn’t mean you’re grieving wrong. It may mean parts of your nervous system are still living inside the shock. EMDR can help those parts come back to the present — so grief can become what it was always meant to be: love in a different form, rather than survival on repeat.